Alpina's Viagra Commercial - 2017 BMW Alpina B7

To really understand the 2017 BMW Alpina B7 you may first want to take a look at Alpina's 2 minute long Viagra commercial, er, i mean video. Ok so a guy in his 20's or 30's with $130K to blow probably wouldn't be interested in the B7, so who really wants one? Do you?

First we need some background info. Under the hood of the AWD Alpina B7 you'll find a massive 600HP 4.4L Twin Turbo V8 that can do 0-62MPH in 3.6 seconds. That's 0.8 seconds faster than a 750i xDrive, 0.3 seconds faster then an AMG S63 & about 0.2 seconds slower then a Ferrari GTC4 Lusso.

You also have variable drive options which include Sport + mode. How do you put it in Sport + mode you ask? "At the touch of a single buttong" according to the Alpina website. I'm not sure what a buttong is, and I'm apprehensive about putting my finger on it. The air suspension allows for 1.6 inches of adjustments while the Dynamic Damper Control & Active Comfort Drive with Road Preview will have your passengers falling asleep in no time.

Not too much has changed in the looks department from the previous year. The most noticeable difference is some chrome trim that runs from the front quarter panels to the rear doors, how exciting! Alpina wrote a bunch regarding the level of luxury seen inside the vehicle, but I'm not seeing it. The inside of the car looks strangely similar to the inside of my moms 2003 BMW 530i. I understand maintaining a look, & a brand image is important, but i expected way more changes over the course of 13 years.

New to the B7 is rear wheel steering which Alpina claims will give the the B7 "a level of dynamic performance and agility not previously associated with performance luxury sedans". The Active Roll Stabilization will help reduce body roll during cornering; a real plus for a car weighing around 4,600 lbs. The 8 speed trans can be controlled by the Switch Tronic system, which is just Alpina's way of saying manual gear changes with paddle sifters. There's even a buttong, i mean button which controls an exhaust air flap if you want to hear the car really roar while you're out for a drive.

So this leads us back to the question, who really wants one of these? If you're that person sitting there asking yourself "when the hell is BMW going to make an M7?" then this car is probably for you. If you need to keep up your old man image, but are really a kid at heart, this may be the car for you. If you have to drop your daughter off at ballet at 7:00 then drive all the way across town to drop your son off at hockey at 7:05, then this may be the car for you.